All I Wanted
by Arlewena
Summary: Kel is gone, but she has left a letter addressed to Neal. Better than it sounds. Strong one-sided Kel/Neal.


**Author's Note- Yet another one-shot that I may later expand. **

**Disclaimer- I do not own the Protector of the Small series or the song All I Wanted which is Paramore's. In short I own nothing. **

* * *

"Neal, over here! I've found something," Owen shouted. They all gathered around him, eager to see what he had found. In his hand was an envelope. "It's addressed to you," he said quietly handing the letter to Neal, who took it with shaking hands. He suddenly did not want to read this at all. Yet it was his only clue as to Kel's whereabouts, so with shaking hands, he broke the seal and removed a folded sheet of parchment.

* * *

_**Think of me when you're out, when you're out there**_

_Neal… I thought I was over you. I thought I could fool myself with them. Cleon and Dom. I was a fool. I can't take it anymore being near you. So I left._

_**I'll beg you nice from my knees**_

_Don't think badly of me after you have read this. I tried to get over you, really I did. After all you have Yuki. I know that I am no beauty, and she is one of my friends. Besides, I could never pull it off, even if I were to try. I could never do that to her._

_**And when the world treats you way too fairly**_

_Remember to eat your vegetables, and sleep after you heal someone. Don't let your tongue run off without you. Don't worry about your wedding; you're going to be just fine. Take a deep breath and remember that you love her. Don't panic, breathe. Just play nice and survive; for me... please._

_**Well it's a shame I'm a dream**_

_I won't be back; I couldn't stand to be around you and your… fiancé. It would kill me. I won't make myself that miserable, not even for you. I'm sorry Neal… so sorry._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_I've had a crush on you since our second year as pages. Did you know that? No, of course not, you were always falling for one beautiful lady or another. I preferred it that way, even if it pained me to watch._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_You were my best friend. I valued that friendship far too much to ruin it by telling you of my feelings. I told myself that they were fleeting, a passing thing. Then, when we were squires; I was able to convince myself that I was over you. I convinced myself that I liked Dom- it was easy, much too easy now that I think about it… he was so much like you. I should have noticed the warning signs then, but I didn't. _

_ Then Cleon came, and it felt so nice to be cared for, to have someone admire me… so I let him. But he needed to marry a lady with a dowry, and I had none; not that I would have been able to marry him anyways. I would be unable to betray my heart that way… to marry another when my heart was yours._

_**I think I'll pace my apartment a few times**_

_I've been full of a restless energy recently. Even training doesn't calm me. I never used to pace; seeing no point in the exercise, but now I can't stop. I see your face everywhere… It's driving me insane._

_**And fall asleep on the couch**_

_Nowadays, I am scared to sleep. I am scared to dream… I push myself till I have no choice but to sleep, and still I dream of you… Your hair, your eyes your touch… My mind is no longer my own._

_**Wake up early, the black and white re-runs**_

_Even awake I remember… I remember every smile, every look, every casual touch… You're killing me and you don't even know it._

_**That escape from my mouth, oh**_

_Even my Yamani mask is starting to slip. I say stupid things, and then have to cover for them. Lalassa has been a great help; she has been my confident through all of this. I will miss her, and Tobe; who always guessed far too much._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work. There is so much even you don't know about me… I am the Protector of the Small, yet who is there to protect me when I'm small… I don't know where to go if this doesn't work. I can't go to my parents, and most of my friends are yours as well… Maybe I'll hunt down an old friend… one who predates even Shinko and Yuki._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_We were friends when we were little, and when we returned from Yamani, I sought him out again and we renewed that friendship. We have been confidents and close friends since; maybe… maybe he can help._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_It is hopeless though. I'll never get over you… maybe death would be easier, but suicide is not an option. My only hope would be to be killed on a mission for the crown._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_Good-bye Neal, we won't meet again. I just need to say it once… I love you Sir Nealan of Queenscove, no matter how hard I have tried to fight it._

_**I could follow you to the beginning**_

_I would do anything for you. If you look back you will see… I made it painfully obvious, even as I fought so hard to hide it._

_**Just to relive the start**_

_I have relived our meeting so many times. I was a nervous ten-year-old… You were fearlessly baiting Lord Wyldon. I believed you to be utterly insane._

_**Maybe then we'd remember to slow down**_

_I wish I could go back, I would've gone through slower… given myself more memories to hold onto once I'm gone… but it is too late for that now… far too late._

_**At all of our favorite parts**_

_My favorite memories are the ones where we are just goofing off and hanging out, where we are acting like best friends… Even as it killed me inside that I could be nothing more to you; I enjoyed those moments._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_I'm sorry if this hurts you, really I am; I just couldn't find another way. Believe me, I tried… I tried so hard for so long. I just can't anymore._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_I wish you and Yuki every happiness. Tell her that I apologize sincerely for ever looking at you as anything other than a friend, even when I knew that you loved each other._

_**All I wanted was you**_

_Please tell everyone goodbye for me, and that I'm sorry… so sorry for letting them down… Raoul, Buri, Lord Wyldon, Shinko, Owen, Cleon, Dom, Lady Alanna, Merric, Roald, Faleron, Seaver, Diane, Numair, Stephen… everyone. I already informed Tobe and Lalassa where I was going… Peachblossom, Hoshi, Jump, and some of the Sparrows are coming with me. I just couldn't leave them…_

_**All I wanted was you**_

_Please send my family a letter explaining that I left, and telling them not to worry. Thank everyone for being there for me… It has been wonderful knowing everyone_

_**All I wanted was you **_

_Goodbye… I love you._

_ ~Keladry of Mindelan, Lady Knight_

* * *

Neal barely felt the letter fall from his hands. He was in a state of shock, disjointed phrases from the letter running through his mind.

_Since our second year as pages… I would do anything for you… I won't be back… I love you… so much even you don't know about me… __**All I wanted was you… **__training doesn't calm me… I love you… You're killing me… __**Think of me… I'll beg you nice from my knees… **__still I dream of you… I won't be back… I am no beauty… I won't be back… I love you… Goodbye…_

"No…" Neal mumbled. He couldn't absorb this. He was so confused. He had never even considered…

Neal was barely conscious of the others asking him what the letter said. He slowly fell onto Kel's bed, his head falling into his hands.

* * *

**Thank-you for reading!**


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